Sorry for any typos and grammar problems - there is a queue (?) behind me!
The night before last, when I emerged from exhaustion, I could feel a difference in how I was feeling. I didn't want to say anything, cause I didn't want to jinx anything. But, it seems to be building. I am feeling a difference. I am feeling better. I'm still swimming, but not so much, and I feel better! Hallelujah to the sky! And by the way, it is not just the radiation - you do know that it has something to do with the prayers, light and positive thought being channeled my way and if you think I don't know you are doing it, you are sooooo wrong. I do know. I can feel it. My sensory perception is on high alert. So thank you.
Today I meet with Dr. AJ, my chemo oncologist. I haven't seen him since early April, so I'm looking forward to that visit. He has a very gentle yet matter of fact approach. Sort of like that teacher that maybe you didn't always want to have to sit down with; or that lawyer who has reviewed your case and is not going to give you the actual news you want to hear; or that employer who might have told you something that perhaps you really didn't want to know; or that significant other that sometimes was delivering some news that wasn't going to sit too well, at first, but then would gradually sink in. He's got me for his patient, along with hundreds of others. He has to deal with me the way he gets me. My health data speaks for itself. He is doing his very best to improve my quality of life and for that I am eternally grateful. But he's going to tell it like it is, and we're going to stand up and put one foot in front of the other and get 'er done!
I am looking forward to getting home for the weekend and back to my diet. The food here is plentiful, but not what I am used to. I miss my fruit smoothies and flax, and beautiful granola that Aileen made for me, and red, red MacIntosh apples at 10 and sweet potatoes and fresh fish and beautiful breads that Karen and Sue make, and avocado and fresh salad and I could go on and on. (Sorry - I haven't been "punked", I've been "clumped".) So this weekend I will enjoy some really fresh food at home and then I only have, according to the currently known plan, 3 more days here next week. When I complete my exit survey, I will include a "blog" on nutritional options, which I am certain they will receive in the spirit intended.
Yesterday afternoon I met up with a long time friend, Sue. She took me out to the most adorable little crepe house on Charles Street. I will return there. Very fresh food and lovely atmosphere. We had a wonderful visit. Sue and I are long time musician friends. It was Sue who introduced me to Youth Forum and Maritime Conference of the United Church of Canada, I can't tell you how many years ago. It was "BL" Before Lloyd even. We had such a blast with the kids at Youth Forum in those days. Such a blast. What awesome times.
I've begun noticing some pretty touching scenes around me between folks travelling together on this journey. The waiting room is a veritable garden of it. I'm seeing some pretty remarkable and tender love being expressed. When I figure out how to describe this properly, I'll try and post my thoughts. This ain't Hollywood folks. This is the real thing. Real tender and caring love, like raindrops on the dessert floor.
Peace to you all today and always. Be happy.
Emma Lee
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Just Another Rainy Tuesday
Sorry for the typos/grammar problems.
Well, here I am at the Lodge in Halifax. I have an appointment in Nuclear Medicine at 7:30 a.m. so thought I would pop a quick update.
Jim is staying at a wonderful place that friends have loaned to us for free. Otherwise he would be here for $55 per night, but it just seems to make sense to do what we are doing. Anyway, that means that I get to meet new people. A wonderful gal shared my room with me last night - she's on the exact same journey - and I mean the exact same journey - we both have mets - liver, bones and brain. Both initially diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. She's going to be starting full brain radiation. We have a lot in common - a lot. Prognosis-wise I mean. Also, she just got back from 3 weeks in Europe and is filling me in on everything she and her significant other did! Can you believe it?
Okay - what's up with Vancouver? Enough said.
So, bone scan this morning - a dye is injected which is allowed 2 hours to travel throughout the body. Then I will go into the nuclear imaging machine. Should be an interesting story. This afternoon treatment at 2:30 and then a meeting with Dr. Rutledge following treatment. My body will be full of "stuff" today.
I'm not feeling a great deal of difference yet; I can't sleep so I think that must have something to do with the fact that I no longer feel like the old Emma. But as good old Arnold (yikes) would say - "I'll be Back!". And I will be back. My tolerance for stairs and inclines is gone. Pray it will return.
Last night for supper we used a gift certificate that Jim's students gave him for The Keg. I had the most amazing surf and turf and creme brulee for dessert. (Last Sunday, Aunt Lil told me to have cheesecake everyday, but I just couldn't refuse the brulee. Sorry Lil.)
Alright, I left the windows opened last night so I could hear Halifax around me. It wasn't too bad. The birds still wake-up at the same time; but there are a lot more weird noises. I don't mind. There was a lovely cool breeze coming through - I have two little windows: one at my head and one at my feet. I needed the cool breezes as the hot flushes are rampant. Not complaining. Might mean something is working. I wonder who my room mate will be tonight as my current gal is leaving after her appointment today. I will keep in touch wit her. She's from the southshore.
Peace to you all. I pray you will find something to have a great chuckle about today, and share a soul story with a friend, old or new, just to remind yourselves that you're living like you are ready to fly.
Emma Lee
Well, here I am at the Lodge in Halifax. I have an appointment in Nuclear Medicine at 7:30 a.m. so thought I would pop a quick update.
Jim is staying at a wonderful place that friends have loaned to us for free. Otherwise he would be here for $55 per night, but it just seems to make sense to do what we are doing. Anyway, that means that I get to meet new people. A wonderful gal shared my room with me last night - she's on the exact same journey - and I mean the exact same journey - we both have mets - liver, bones and brain. Both initially diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. She's going to be starting full brain radiation. We have a lot in common - a lot. Prognosis-wise I mean. Also, she just got back from 3 weeks in Europe and is filling me in on everything she and her significant other did! Can you believe it?
Okay - what's up with Vancouver? Enough said.
So, bone scan this morning - a dye is injected which is allowed 2 hours to travel throughout the body. Then I will go into the nuclear imaging machine. Should be an interesting story. This afternoon treatment at 2:30 and then a meeting with Dr. Rutledge following treatment. My body will be full of "stuff" today.
I'm not feeling a great deal of difference yet; I can't sleep so I think that must have something to do with the fact that I no longer feel like the old Emma. But as good old Arnold (yikes) would say - "I'll be Back!". And I will be back. My tolerance for stairs and inclines is gone. Pray it will return.
Last night for supper we used a gift certificate that Jim's students gave him for The Keg. I had the most amazing surf and turf and creme brulee for dessert. (Last Sunday, Aunt Lil told me to have cheesecake everyday, but I just couldn't refuse the brulee. Sorry Lil.)
Alright, I left the windows opened last night so I could hear Halifax around me. It wasn't too bad. The birds still wake-up at the same time; but there are a lot more weird noises. I don't mind. There was a lovely cool breeze coming through - I have two little windows: one at my head and one at my feet. I needed the cool breezes as the hot flushes are rampant. Not complaining. Might mean something is working. I wonder who my room mate will be tonight as my current gal is leaving after her appointment today. I will keep in touch wit her. She's from the southshore.
Peace to you all. I pray you will find something to have a great chuckle about today, and share a soul story with a friend, old or new, just to remind yourselves that you're living like you are ready to fly.
Emma Lee
Monday, June 6, 2011
Answered Prayers
We crested the hill leading to the barn about mid-morning. There were several dogs sauntering around and I spied for one the color of honey. There was a Corgi there that confused me for a second but then I spied her. Liz called her name. She looked up the hill. I waved and cried out. She started up the incline, crouching as she always did when she was getting excited to meet someone she knew or challenge a dog she didn't know - that attitude - but then an air of recognition and full steam ahead. As we knelt together, there were whispers of whimpers, from both of us, and then off to see and cuddle Jim and then off to show off.
I sat and watched as that little dog became a part of the pack, roaming around with out a leash, being a bit bad to Oliver, but I think she was indeed showing off. She jumped up in my lap a few times and I got to stroke her and smell her, which I loved.
I feel so great and blessed that this has worked out for her and for me. I simply am not able to care for her as is needed. What a great treat for me to see it all unfolding in real life.
Thank you Liz and Rob. I safe this for pretty special things - but I think you deserve the Order of Canada! Gems.
Another prayer was answered yesterday when Aunt Lil and Susan dropped in. Jim's Ross Clan delivered the most incredible messages of hope and love. "If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's this: whatever comes, you won't be alone. You'll have thoughts and prayers surrounding and protecting you every step of the way. So just picture yourself right there in the middle of a big circle of caring . . . because that's where you are and there's no safer place to be. With an Everest of love from your Ross Clan". I know there are family involved that perhaps Jim doesn't even know - and I certainly don't know. My hope meter was charged - our hope meter was charged.
Off to the City, with my hope and my angels and another prayer for feeling better!
Peace to you all,
Emma Lee
I sat and watched as that little dog became a part of the pack, roaming around with out a leash, being a bit bad to Oliver, but I think she was indeed showing off. She jumped up in my lap a few times and I got to stroke her and smell her, which I loved.
I feel so great and blessed that this has worked out for her and for me. I simply am not able to care for her as is needed. What a great treat for me to see it all unfolding in real life.
Thank you Liz and Rob. I safe this for pretty special things - but I think you deserve the Order of Canada! Gems.
Another prayer was answered yesterday when Aunt Lil and Susan dropped in. Jim's Ross Clan delivered the most incredible messages of hope and love. "If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's this: whatever comes, you won't be alone. You'll have thoughts and prayers surrounding and protecting you every step of the way. So just picture yourself right there in the middle of a big circle of caring . . . because that's where you are and there's no safer place to be. With an Everest of love from your Ross Clan". I know there are family involved that perhaps Jim doesn't even know - and I certainly don't know. My hope meter was charged - our hope meter was charged.
Off to the City, with my hope and my angels and another prayer for feeling better!
Peace to you all,
Emma Lee
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Good Morning New Glasgow
Well, I'm thinking of the teams over at the Parkdale complex, having been up and about all night in this kind of dreary weather. It's cool and damp and they are indeed true heroes. I hope everyone faired well last night. They raised a lot of money. It would be great to hear the final tally. All funds will go to the Nova Scotia Division of the Canadian Cancer Society and be used here in NS for a variety of needs. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I was very proud to be a part of that opening last night. I hope I left some hope and inspiration on that field.
We have been busy. All of the plans that I set for these past days were met, the most important one being that my children and their significant others were present, and I mean present, with me and Dr. Rutledge for my initial consult before beginning full brain radiation. I am thrilled that was able to happen. I know the kids felt better and lighter when they left the hospital to journey to their homes. Now when they think of me they know where I am, safe in the arms of medical help.
And we had a fabulous and fun meal together at the MidTown and I was able to meet all of Jim's friends - the gang that support him. More on support for the other spouse later. Jim works in Halifax. He shares a kitchen with virtual strangers. So he eats at the MidTown and has developed a fraternity (I will call it) with folks there, including staff and customers. I hear all the stories and it is a part of his Halifax life and routine. They go to sporting events and watch the playoffs and tell tall tales, and laugh, and support each other. What would he do without that? He doesn't have that network in New Glasgow. When he is home, it is all about us - well me - well it used to be all about Honey - but now it is all about me and us and trying to make our home the most comfortable we can as we deal with this reality.
So, at the MidTown there was a great picture taken and I will find it and get it posted. Of course my camera quit as I was showing Dave's mother Joan pictures of our trip to Scotland last year. Dave MacMichael is my daughter Mary's significant other. His parents Reg and Joan joined us for dinner. With Lee was Tessa Morse, Lee's significant other. Lee and Tessa are vegetarians and work out like mad, but I understand the nachos - the large size - at the MidTown filled the bill for them. Everyone else had fish and chips, which I also enjoyed and it was too much to finish.
We met for "breakfast" at Cora's the next day and Dave delivered homemade shortbread that Joan had made for me - and it is the most delicious shortbread ever! The real deal.
Also, Mary and I met with Tammy of Codapop, for a marketing and production meeting on The Reason For Hope CD compilation project. Oh my. Very exciting. And we just landed our last two contributors. My goal is to sell 100 units here in the County - and I will be calling on people to support this project. Our goal is to raise $10,000.00 to go to metastatic breast cancer research. My friends at the Canadian Breast Cancer Network will receive the funds and get them into the right hands. There will be a release at the Carleton in Halifax, at Glasgow Square and in Toronto. Lots of work to be done. This will be a big focus for me. We're on it - you're going to love the compilation - 15 artists - big variety - and great songs at a reasonable price with funds going to help the 25% of women who go one to develop this hideous disease.
Ok - and the concert is coming up on the 12th. Okay that's enough for now.
Rest is calling. I have my medication calendar that Dr. Rutledge made for me - steroids to get me through radiation as some of the tumours may continue to swell for a bit, and then get me weaned off. I start that cycle today. Good. The pills make me shake inside. Might not see it outside, but I can sure feel it inside.
Sing With Me:
When you move in right up close to me
That's when I get the shakes all over me
Quivers down my backbone
I got the shakes in the knee bones
Shivers down my thigh bones
Like I'm
Shakin' all over
That's what happens when you say goodnight to me
Bring this feeling all inside of me
Quivers down my backbone
I got the shakes in the knee bones
Shivers in the thigh bones
Like I'm
Shakin' all over
Peace to you all today - please look for inspiration and when, not if you find it, share it with those you love!
Emma Lee
We have been busy. All of the plans that I set for these past days were met, the most important one being that my children and their significant others were present, and I mean present, with me and Dr. Rutledge for my initial consult before beginning full brain radiation. I am thrilled that was able to happen. I know the kids felt better and lighter when they left the hospital to journey to their homes. Now when they think of me they know where I am, safe in the arms of medical help.
And we had a fabulous and fun meal together at the MidTown and I was able to meet all of Jim's friends - the gang that support him. More on support for the other spouse later. Jim works in Halifax. He shares a kitchen with virtual strangers. So he eats at the MidTown and has developed a fraternity (I will call it) with folks there, including staff and customers. I hear all the stories and it is a part of his Halifax life and routine. They go to sporting events and watch the playoffs and tell tall tales, and laugh, and support each other. What would he do without that? He doesn't have that network in New Glasgow. When he is home, it is all about us - well me - well it used to be all about Honey - but now it is all about me and us and trying to make our home the most comfortable we can as we deal with this reality.
So, at the MidTown there was a great picture taken and I will find it and get it posted. Of course my camera quit as I was showing Dave's mother Joan pictures of our trip to Scotland last year. Dave MacMichael is my daughter Mary's significant other. His parents Reg and Joan joined us for dinner. With Lee was Tessa Morse, Lee's significant other. Lee and Tessa are vegetarians and work out like mad, but I understand the nachos - the large size - at the MidTown filled the bill for them. Everyone else had fish and chips, which I also enjoyed and it was too much to finish.
We met for "breakfast" at Cora's the next day and Dave delivered homemade shortbread that Joan had made for me - and it is the most delicious shortbread ever! The real deal.
Also, Mary and I met with Tammy of Codapop, for a marketing and production meeting on The Reason For Hope CD compilation project. Oh my. Very exciting. And we just landed our last two contributors. My goal is to sell 100 units here in the County - and I will be calling on people to support this project. Our goal is to raise $10,000.00 to go to metastatic breast cancer research. My friends at the Canadian Breast Cancer Network will receive the funds and get them into the right hands. There will be a release at the Carleton in Halifax, at Glasgow Square and in Toronto. Lots of work to be done. This will be a big focus for me. We're on it - you're going to love the compilation - 15 artists - big variety - and great songs at a reasonable price with funds going to help the 25% of women who go one to develop this hideous disease.
Ok - and the concert is coming up on the 12th. Okay that's enough for now.
Rest is calling. I have my medication calendar that Dr. Rutledge made for me - steroids to get me through radiation as some of the tumours may continue to swell for a bit, and then get me weaned off. I start that cycle today. Good. The pills make me shake inside. Might not see it outside, but I can sure feel it inside.
Sing With Me:
When you move in right up close to me
That's when I get the shakes all over me
Quivers down my backbone
I got the shakes in the knee bones
Shivers down my thigh bones
Like I'm
Shakin' all over
That's what happens when you say goodnight to me
Bring this feeling all inside of me
Quivers down my backbone
I got the shakes in the knee bones
Shivers in the thigh bones
Like I'm
Shakin' all over
Peace to you all today - please look for inspiration and when, not if you find it, share it with those you love!
Emma Lee
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Quick Addendum
Mable dropped by on Monday too. It was an exciting visit. She delivered a poem that she tells me I was the inspiration in her being able to complete. It arose out of our sing-along JC Superstar day and in typical fashion, when the spirit calls me to move, I do. It is a quite a poem, a tribute to a friend she lost to ovarian cancer. She also gave me flowers and delivered a beautiful and most huggable teddy bear, another poem, and her own great soul story. So thank you Mable for your visit and kind heartedness. Just had to mention that.
The Road Ahead
Well, it is very early morning, but I thought I would post something now, since I'm up! The past few days have been a whirlwind. Maritime Conference was such a wonderful experience, I am just so happy that I was able to take part. And then home again, and all of the little details to get worked out and ready for the next part of this journey. I've had so many lovely visits and calls and emails and trips to the dentist and vet and backyard hammock and laundry and wonderful meals and time with Jim and Mary and Dave and Lloyd and Gwen and Megan and her mom and Lynda, and the new Puff and Boobadee and time alone. Whew! Oh, and my fair share of meltdowns, which I just let happen cause there's no stopping them, but I think I'm getting that out of my system for now. You know, when you keep yourself in a vacuum, it is easy to stay strong. But when you surround yourself with your loved ones and dream of the futures yet to come, it is obligatory that the tears flow as you pray for love and happiness in their futures.
The gang is meeting up tomorrow night for dinner at the MidTown. Jim's fave restaurant in Halifax. I will get a picture and post it. We will be meeting Dr. Rutledge before my first treatment and moving on from there. I am hoping I will begin to feel results immediately following the first treatment. Cross your fingers for me. Then they can start to wean me off these incredible steroids, which I really believe are a major contributing factor to my new sleepless state! Only sleep when totally exhausted and then awaken by crazy, horrible dreams. These days are numbered.
I went for a couple of small neighbourhood rambles yesterday, wondering where I am going to find my inspiration now that Honey is in the Pictou County boondocks - and by the way - she is flourishing and behaving like a real dog - part of a pack, respectful and happy. She is running and off leash and it is an absolute miracle. I am so happy for her. Puff is kind of taking her place in the inspiration department, and is starting to stick to me like glue too. Who knew? Puff is a beautiful boy - Mr. Puff, Puff Diddy, Pufferdoodle - you get the drift!
Alright. I'll be in touch. Take care of yourselves. Write your own soul story - cause your stories are awesome and important.
From Now On will be up on the Maritime Conference site very soon! We recorded it last night - just a simple easy recording - but Jim and Mary and Dave are all on it!! Yay. If Lee and Tessa would have been here, they would have been too! (And Gwen and Vicki and Lloyd and Kirby.) I am so happy about that, laughing on the inside. Good for you guys.
Peace to you all! Maybe see you at the Relay on Friday night.
Emma Lee
The gang is meeting up tomorrow night for dinner at the MidTown. Jim's fave restaurant in Halifax. I will get a picture and post it. We will be meeting Dr. Rutledge before my first treatment and moving on from there. I am hoping I will begin to feel results immediately following the first treatment. Cross your fingers for me. Then they can start to wean me off these incredible steroids, which I really believe are a major contributing factor to my new sleepless state! Only sleep when totally exhausted and then awaken by crazy, horrible dreams. These days are numbered.
I went for a couple of small neighbourhood rambles yesterday, wondering where I am going to find my inspiration now that Honey is in the Pictou County boondocks - and by the way - she is flourishing and behaving like a real dog - part of a pack, respectful and happy. She is running and off leash and it is an absolute miracle. I am so happy for her. Puff is kind of taking her place in the inspiration department, and is starting to stick to me like glue too. Who knew? Puff is a beautiful boy - Mr. Puff, Puff Diddy, Pufferdoodle - you get the drift!
Alright. I'll be in touch. Take care of yourselves. Write your own soul story - cause your stories are awesome and important.
From Now On will be up on the Maritime Conference site very soon! We recorded it last night - just a simple easy recording - but Jim and Mary and Dave are all on it!! Yay. If Lee and Tessa would have been here, they would have been too! (And Gwen and Vicki and Lloyd and Kirby.) I am so happy about that, laughing on the inside. Good for you guys.
Peace to you all! Maybe see you at the Relay on Friday night.
Emma Lee
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