Raising Hope for Emma Lee Stewart
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Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday Morning Coming Down
It occurred to me over the past few days - okay I know I'm slow - but that my name has become associated with "hope". Believe it or not I'm very pleased about that. There are two roads we can travel when we are facing news of this sort, and I hope you never have to face these issues. I was reminded of that last week during our Julian of Norwich service, and I am going to share these words of my worship team mate:
"Here is what I do know. I know that I have a choice between hope and despair when viewing the world and my future. How do I decide between them? I choose the one that brings the most joy, the most healing, the most compassion to my life and to the world. In despair I’m no good to anyone. So let us hold Julian’s mantra in our hearts: All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."
So, when it occurred to me that Hope and I were beginning to merge, I thought of those words and how true they are to me. Oh, don't be fooled. I can easily fall into the Valley of No Hope, which my former workmates will attest to, before metastatic disease was discovered, and I still can. It is very easy, easy in the dark in the middle of the night, or in the afternoon, or in the morning, but I can pull myself out of it, because I want hope in my life. I want it and need it. And everything that I am going to do is going to lead to it. It would be too easy to give in. I've said it before.
I am going to post my picture with Marie again. I think I posted it before. Once treatments start I will try and keep up with my blog, but I understand there may be cognitive issues, I'm hoping there will not. Anyway, I'm posting my picture with Marie again. She is the gal I roomed with in Indianapolis when I attended the metastatic breast cancer conference last October. She had whole brain radiation two years ago and there has been no further cancer activity since. I have had a few email communications with her over the past few days. She is another angel I consider to have found in my life. You are also angels I have found and I need. Thank you.
An update on pets: Liz, Lawyer Liz, good and dear friend Liz, will take Honey for respite. I have full and complete comfort with this arrangement. Liz is an animal whisperer and has always been since I have known her. The transition will take place over this coming week and will occur before treatment begins. Mary is looking for a home for Puff. I will keep Boobadee, my faithful little gal with me. One little animal angel should not be a burden for me and will allow me to continue to see the wonders of God in an animal, and to be able to talk to her and sing for her.
More later. I'm getting it together, but emotionally am still shakey. I'm much better than I was. Lee is home until mid-afternoon. He arrived yesterday and we are all feeling much more hopeful. Mary and her fellow Dave will be home next week and if I'm starting treatment, then Halifax will be our base together for a few days.
I am going to rest, as I continue to be dizzy. I will be very careful over the next while until treatment starts. I am the same as I was before the news, but somehow I feel different. I will be reviewing all of the things on board for Maritime Conference and looking forward to that gathering. That is my next goal and I look forward to it with hope.
P.S. Just so you know, the chemo I have been receiving was not able to penetrate into the brain, as our bodies have it set-up that way. Our brain is surrounded and safe from anything like that entering our bodies. That is why the cancer was able to continue to work its way there. Radiation will be directed there to destroy the active cancer cells.